Friday, January 24, 2014

the things that have built me.

It’s so interesting to think how much life has changed in the last ten years. A lot of big things have happened. I was in a long term relationship that ended, I lost my grandfather, met Andrew &got engaged & married, bought our first home, lost Andrew’s dad, & had a baby. I feel like time went so slow when all of those things were happening but now that we’re at where we are I wonder how I blinked and so much has changed. So much of  the person I am today has been influenced by all of these things.

Andew & I : June 2007

The ending of that relationship was necessary. We were kids and we dated as long as we did for the sake of dating we were and probably still are very different people and it never would have worked out in the long rung anyway. In truth, I never would have ended up in a relationship with Andrew if it weren’t for that relationship though. I remember thinking how I ‘wasted’ so much of my life in that relationship, but it takes so many different things happening if your life to create a better you.


Losing my grandfather was really hard too. I had a really hard time with dealing with understand why God takes good people so quickly. It’s a very hard idea to chew. My grandpa had been sick for some time, but it got worse fast. I blamed myself for not realizing that when it was it was happening. You feel like there’s always tomorrow. Until there isn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever been more heartbroken.


But my grandfather, knowing my love of photography, also gave me my first 35mm camera, an Olympus OM-10, kick starting my love of photography. I still can’t hear someone whistle without my heart stopping for a second. It instantly reminds me of him. I wish each and every day that he would have had a chance to meet Andrew and to meet Eisley. She would have been his first great grand daughter. I think he’d adore her to pieces.

In the mist of this all I met Andrew. We started dating and created lots of memories together. I opened up to him about the things that have built me and he did the same. We got engaged in 2010. In 2012 we bought our first home and got married. It was BEAUTIFUL. A day I will say is only outweighed in my mind by the birth of our daughter. I was on cloud nine. Floating on air. Could life get any better?


And then the call. The rush. The fear of not knowing. The search. And then the worst happened. I remember sitting in our bedroom, calling Michael for the 300th time, searching hotels and hospitals in Boston and praying while Andrew was at work. And I remember the door opening and closing. I remember being confused. Andrew came into the room with so much confusion and pain on his face and fell into my lap. They’d found him. I’m still not ready to talk about his fully. Someday I will be. But I will say that depression is a sucky horrible disease. Andrew’s heart broke into a million pieces. There are still pieces that aren’t in their rightful place, I’m sure. Maybe they won’t ever be. But one thing losing Michael did was help both of us realize how fragile life really is. It’s the reason we decided to start trying for a family when we did.

It’s crazy. How all of that has made me, MADE US, who we are. Helped mold the decisions that have created the life we’re living right now. And through it all, what a beautiful life it is.


1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed this! So many things make us who we are, the good and the bad.


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